Regrets
by Paige72890
Summary: Sam thinks about her life. SM


REGRETS

Authors Note: This story is mainly in Sam's Point of View. The characters in this story are also terribly out of their characters on the show, so please don't write telling me they are not like the characters on the show, I know this.

Summary: Sam thinks about the things in her life and some of the things she regrets.

I have many regrets in life. In my line of work everyone has regrets. Some people have more than others. I regret having my affair with Jack, loving Jack (god knows I really regret that one), but the one thing I don't regret was my relationship with Martin Fitzgerald. I could never regret the time I spent with him. Some people thought of him as my rebound guy from Jack. Well he kind of was, but he kind of wasn't. Did that last statement make since?

When I first started seeing Martin our relationship was on the physical, and non emotional, in other words it was just sex. At first I only saw him for the physical side, but our relation ship didn't end that way. I knew he like me for more than a friend, but at the time I thought I still loved Jack and couldn't harbor any feelings for anyone other than Jackbut was I ever wrong. About three months into my relationship with him I realized it wasn't just physical anymore, I had let the emotional part seep in. I had really fallen in love with Martin. I cant really place my finger on when I first fell in love with him, it may have been the late nights after love making and he stayed and we talked, or it may have been the one time when we were out on the balcony and he put his hand on my back, and that single touch did more for me than what Jack ever did. I could have been him not leaving after love making to go to his wife and two daughters.

People thought that after I found out that Jack and his wife were getting a divorce that I would just get up and run to him. For a while they were right. I wanted to run to him as fast as possible, but then after the thoughts crossed my mind they were soon shut down by Martin's face flashing through my mind. I had Martin, and I didn't need Jack. Jack had left me and I didn't think that Martin would leave me any time soon.

I think Martin thought I was going to go running to Jack and our relationship would end before it even had a chance to start. When I reassured him I wasn't going to leave him the relief on his face made me so happy. He was happy and I was happy to be with him.

I was the first to say it. I said 'I Love You' first. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking how in the hell was she the one to say it first when she rarely opens up to anyone. Well I still said it first. He was surprised. Speechless for the first time in his life. He was quite for a while, and when he finally talked he said it back, he said 'I love you too' then he kissed me passionately. Lets just say we didn't go into work the next day. I'll let you guess why.

When we decided to tell everyone at work we were dating, Jack took it the hardest. No, it wasn't because he still had feelings for me. It was far from that. I was because I hurt his ego. I didn't choose him, I didn't need him. I could live my life with out him, and I didn't need his shoulder to lean on. I had chosen Martin and he didn't like it. I didn't love him. I loved Martin, and I wanted the world to know it.

Danny and Vivian took it really well. Danny smirked like he knew we were together all along. He later told us he saw us on the balcony together. Vivian just smiled and said she was glad we were happy, and we deserved our happiness. We were happy.

When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked to say the least. We had always been careful. We had only been dating for eight months when I found out. I was a good surprise though, and I was happy. I knew Martin would be happy too.

The day I was going to tell Martin about was my day off. I know hard to believe I had a day off in my line of work. I decided I was going to make dinner and have everything ready for him when he got him, he was supposed to be home by six. When he wasn't home by seven I only thought he was working late, buy he usually called me if he had to work late. When seven- thirty rolled around I finally got a call, it wasn't Martin. It was Jack on the phone; he said that I needed to get to the hospital, ASAP.

When I reached the hospital I got the worst news possible. Martin had been shot on a case and they didn't expect him to make it through the night.

I found a small chair in a secluded part of the hospital. Vivian, Jack, and Danny left me to myself for a while. About an hour into Martin's surgery Jack came and sat beside me. He tried to comfort me with an arm around my shoulder, and kind words but I shot those hopes down before he could even get the first words out.

We sat in silence for a good half hour before I spoke,

"I'm pregnant," I said out loud to him. He seemed shocked at first then sympathetic. "I was going to tell him tonight then this happened, what if he doesn't wake up, or dies during surgery and I never get the chance to tell him he is going to be a father to a little baby we created together."

When I got the words out I started to cry hysterically. Martin could die tonight and I never would get to tell him I was going to have his child. Suddenly anger started to build in my body. I was angry and I needed to vent. Unfortunately Jack was there to bear the bad end of my anger.

"This is all you fault, if you had been watching out for him this never would have happened. If you had realized that a man had a gun and was pointing it at Martin this never would have happened. You are jealous of Martin; you are jealous of the fact that I chose him over you!" Sam yelled in anger and frustration. When the words had finally left her mouth she realized how stupid they sounded.

Jack was about to reply when the doctor came out of the room. We all stood and held our breaths he could deliver bad news, or he could deliver good news.

"Mr. Fitzgerald's injuries were worse than what we expected. He survived the surgery, but the next 24 hours will be very crucial. Ms. Spade you can go see him now if you want; he is not awake yet, but he should be up soon. He is in room 201."

If you asked Sam what happened after the doctor told her she could go see Martin, she could not answer. She practically ran to his room.

He looked so pale and fragile, lying in his bed. He was the weakest she had ever seen him. Sam walked over to his bed and held his hand. She pulled a chair that was in the corner over to the bed, and sat down.

She had been sitting with him for 20 minutes when she felt a small squeeze on her hand coming from Martin. His eyes suddenly fluttered open. He moved his head to were he could see her and gave her a weak smile.

"Hey." He said in a raspy uneven breath.

"Hey." She responded giving his hand a light squeeze, and smiling at him. "You had us all really scared, I was so worried that you were going to die on me. I was so scared when Jack called and told me to come to the hospital ASAP, he didn't give me a reason, but I knew something was wrong."

She stood up from her chair and gave him a hug.

"I love you," she said in a small sob.

"I love you too," he responded in his still raspy and uneven voice.

"I have something to tell you," her voice had a slight tremble in it. "I was going to tell you tonight but I got the call from Jack." She stopped talking for a small second to catch her breath, "I'm pregnant."

Martin was speechless. He didn't say anything for a good minute. She thought she was wrong about him wanting a baby. He suddenly pulled her down on the small hospital bed with him. "Where really going to have a baby?" He asked with an overly large grin on his face. "Yeah I found out the other day and it took everything within my being to not tell you then and there."

After Sam had told Martin about the baby the talked for hours about what their life would be like now with a baby. Sam left Martin's room around mid-night to give Vivian, Jack, and Danny time to talk to him. Jack was the last to talk to him. Something must have gone wrong because about five minutes into Jack's visit Jack came yelling for a doctor. Martin had stopped breathing. Sam jumped from her chair and ran to Martin's room.

"Martin you have to live, you can't die, you have to live for the baby, for me. You have to live I cant loose you. I love you. You have to stay with me. Come on Martin, I love you." She yelled at him trying to keep him alive.

He looked at her gasping for breath. He was able to breath out 'I love you too' before his eyes shut.

The doctors rush into the room and they pushed her out of the way. They had sent her out of the room. She heard the faint sounds of the doctors yelling 'clear'.

After five minutes the doctors came out with solemn looks on their faces.

"I'm sorry Ms. Spade, but we lost him, there was nothing we could do." Sam fell to the floor; her sobs racking her body. The man she loved, the father of her child, had just died and all the doctors could say was there was nothing they could do.

Martin had died that night. A night that should have been one of the best nights of both of their lives. I lost the man I loved more than anything in the world. When the doctors gave me some of the things that he had on him the day he died I found a velvet ring box. He was going to propose to me.

I went into a depression after he died. The only thing that kept me from going crazy was the thought that I was carrying Martin's baby. The little life that we had created. A small child that we had created with the love that we shared.

When I was five months pregnant I found out that the baby was a boy. I was going to have a son. A baby that I prayed at night that he looked exactly like Martin.

As soon as I went back to work Jack put me on desk duty. I apologized to Jack about my yelling at him that night I lost Martin. Danny and Vivian took it well when I told them I was pregnant.

Danny, Jack, and Vivian were at the hospital when I had the baby. I allowed Vivian to be in the room with me. When my son was born it was the happiest moment of my life. I couldn't describe the extreme feeling of love that overcame my body when I saw his little face for the first time. He had Martin's eyes.

Like I said in the beginning I have many regrets in my life. My son is not one of them. The all too short amount of time with Martin that I don't regret at all. I wear the ring Martin never got a chance to give me.

My son Andrew Martin Fitzgerald in now five years old now and every time I see him I see more and more of his father everyday. I promised my self after he was born that I would devote all my time to him.

I haven't dated since Martin's death. I don't think I ever will, my son is my life now, and he helps me through the hard times, but he is a constant reminder of the thing I lost, the best thing in my life, that I thought I couldn't live without and I couldn't if it wasn't for the best thing I have going for me now, my son, Andrew Martin Fitzgerald.

**I hope you guys liked my story. It was my first WITHOUT A TRACE fan fiction and only my third all together, so please review and tell me what you think.**


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